Letting Go
by Elsha of the Quelled
Summary: Katarina Ivanova is traumitized after the death of her brother at the hands of muggle thugs. How will she be able to handle her first year at Hogwart's without him, especially when her brother's good friend, Sirius Black, will not leave her alone.
1. The River of Sorrows

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and co. they belong to JKR. I do, however, own the rest of the story and any character not from the HP books. Also, Russia was communist during the time this story was set, so if there are any anachronisms or things that clearly would not happen in Communist Russia, I'm sorry. Finally, considering that the Ivanov's are wizards, they don't really get noticed by the Communists.  
  
Katarina was lying on the floor of her room staring at the ceiling. She was thinking about the one thing that no one in her family could keep out of their minds: Her brother's death. She remembered it like it was yesterday. It had all happened so quickly. She had been walking home late one night, when she was attacked by a vicious muggle gang of thugs. She had been able to fend off two of them, but the other three were much bigger than she and she was unable to grab her wand to curse any of them. One of them had slashed her face with his pocketknife. She'd fallen to the ground, screaming in pain, while the thugs continued to beat her. Her brother had come along and seen that someone was in trouble. He paralyzed the three thugs attacking her with a charm and helped her to her feet.  
  
"Katushka?" He'd asked. She had been nearly unrecognizable with all the blood streaming down her face. She didn't remember saying anything, only nodding numbly. She remembered leaning on his shoulder as they started to walk home. She remembered hearing people cursing behind her, and her brother turning around to face them. She remembered him screaming at her to run for it. She remembered running a little way up the street, before stopping and watching. She had seen her brother fend off the two thugs, but neither of them had seen nor heard a third one coming out of the shadows. She remembered screaming as soon as she heard the awful sound, but by then it was too late. The bullet had hit its mark and her brother had been left bleeding to death in the street. Murdered, she thought angrily, murdered by stupid muggles and their stupid muggle weapons. She didn't remember anything after that. And now, because of them and because of her stupidity, he was dead. He wasn't going to finish his final year at Hogwart's. He wasn't going to be there to protect her and do everything a big brother should like...  
  
"Katarina!" A voice called from downstairs, breaking Katarina out of her thoughts. "We are leaving for London tonight, where are your things?" Katarina sighed as she looked around her room and realized that she had yet to pack.  
  
"Almost finished mama." She quickly began throwing various things she needed for school into her trunk. She grabbed her wand off her dresser and said "Pack!" Everything else that she'd needed leaped messily into her trunk. She shoved it all down before closing the lid. She grabbed her owl's cage and began pushing her trunk out her door.  
  
"Katarina!" Her mother shouted. "Don't push that heavy trunk around upstairs, you'll scuff up the floors."  
  
"Alright mama." She flicked her wand and said "Locomotor Trunk." Her trunk lifted a foot off the ground and followed her down the stairs, where her mother was waiting.  
  
"We're nearly late Katya. The train leaves in 4 hours." Katarina hated the train. It was full of muggles. But since it was too long a journey for broomsticks, too much luggage for the floo network, and Katarina couldn't apparate yet the train was their only option.  
  
"Do we have to take the taxi again?" Katarina asked sullenly.  
  
"Yes Katya." Her mother replied tiredly.  
  
"I hate the taxi." She mumbled.  
  
"Did you say something?" Her mother asked sternly.  
  
"No mama. Are we leaving now?"  
  
"Yes, as soon as your father comes downstairs." She replied. "Anton, the taxi will be here any minute." She called. A minute later Katarina's father appeared at the top of the stairs.  
  
"Are you ready to go?" He asked, looking her straight in the eye.  
  
"Yes papa. I have everything I need." Just then the taxi arrived and the Ivanov family filed in while the driver looked after their luggage. A few minutes later they were on their way to the train station. It wasn't too busy when they arrived 15 minutes later. It was unusual, as the trains were usually extremely crowded this time of year.  
  
"We're on the train to Berlin. It'll be coming in on track 9. Do you have all your travel documents?" Katarina's mother asked her.  
  
"Yes mama. I have everything." Katarina replied evenly. Her travel documents consisted of a fake birth certificate, fake passport, and fake 24- hour travel visa. Being a witch, she was never issued any of these by the Russian government and had obtained her current ones from an excellent wizard forger. The papers were all enchanted so that they would merely be looked at and returned immediately, without problems. The date on the travel visa was also enchanted and it changed to be whatever day you wanted it to be. Her parents each had the same. In the four years previous to this they had never had a problem and Katarina doubted they would now, but she kept her hand on her wand just in case. But, as usual there was nothing to worry about. Everything went smoothly, like it always had.  
  
They arrived in London 2 days later and headed straight for the Leaky Cauldron, where they were staying until Katarina needed to leave for school. It wasn't until she arrived in her room that Katarina thought about school without her big brother. Even though they had been in different houses, she in Ravenclaw and he in Gryffindor, he'd always been there for her, protected her. It was going to be so hard, not having him around. With a sigh she crawled into bed and fell into an uneasy sleep.  
  
The next morning Katarina went to go purchase her school supplies. Her parents had some other business to attend to, so she went alone. She didn't mind. She liked being alone. It gave her time to think. Unfortunately, when lost in her thoughts, she had a tendency to not pay attention to where she was going and today was no different. While walking to Flourish and Blotts to buy her books she walked right into someone.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I..." She began, looking up. "Oh, it's you." She said icily, upon realizing whom she had run into. "What are you doing here? It can't possibly be for books, as I've never seen you use one."  
  
"Now, now Ivanova, is that any way to greet an old friend?" Sirius Black replied mockingly. Katarina merely glared at him.  
  
"I have to go." She said, finally. "I, unlike you, actually care about getting all my books." With that she began walking off towards the bookstore. But, before she could get very far, Sirius grabbed her arm and pulled her around. "Yes? What do you want, Black?" She asked angrily.  
  
"Well, if you are here, that means that your brother is also here. As he is Head Boy this year and a friend, I just wanted to give him fair warning about some of the things we've got planned for this year. So, where is he?"  
  
"He's not here." Katarina replied. She turned to leave again, but Sirius wouldn't let her.  
  
"So, where is he?" He asked again.  
  
"Buried under six-feet of dirt in a box of maple." She answered. "He's dead, you idiot." She added, when Sirius gave her a confused look.  
  
"Oh, I see." He said quietly as Katarina shook her arm out of his grip and walked off towards the bookstore. She walked as fast as she could, as she wanted to grab her books and other supplies quickly so that she could go back to her room at the Leaky Cauldron. However, today was not her day. It seemed that no matter where she went, she couldn't help running into people from school. She said hello politely to each of them, before making an excuse that she was late meeting her parents. She knew that if she'd talked to them any longer they'd inevitably ask about her brother and she just wasn't up to talking about him yet. Besides, they'd all find out when school started up again.  
  
On her way back to her room she ran into one person that she couldn't give an excuse to, her friend Severus Snape. You could never make excuses with him, as he always seemed to know when someone was lying to him.  
  
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" He asked as she nearly ran into him.  
  
"Back to my room. I want some peace and quiet and I can't get it here." Katarina replied with a sigh.  
  
"I see." He replied evenly. "Are you alright?"  
  
"Not really, no." She said softly. "You see, my...my brother passed away this summer, and everyone has been asking about him, and I really don't know what to say because I don't want to tell them because I don't want their pity or their condolences."  
  
"I understand. You have my word that I will not tell anyone."  
  
"Thank you." Katarina returned with a faint smile. "I'm going to go back to my room now, but I will see you when school starts."  
  
"Alright. See you then." He replied, before walking off. Katarina felt a little better after talking to him, but still desperately wanted to get back to her room. She shifted the bags she was carrying and broke into a run towards the Leaky Cauldron. She didn't stop until she was in her room and had locked the door. Once she had, she lay down on her bed and cried. 


	2. Blessed are the Forgetful

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Katarina stared out the window of the taxi as she and her parents headed to the train station. She wasn't looking forward to the train ride to school. There would be awkward, uncomfortable questions. Her brother's absence would undoubtedly be noticed. She sighed softly, thinking about how she could answer their questions in a way that would get people to leave her alone. She sighed again, knowing that there was nothing she could say that would get people to leave her alone. Everyone would want to offer their condolences and try to hug her or do something else that was just as awkward. She wondered, if she sat with the Slytherins on the train, if anyone would bother her then. After all, the Slytherins were very unpleasant to almost everyone. It looked like her best chance of avoiding contact with her other schoolmates. Then she'd have more time to figure out how to deal with the situation.

"Katya, we are here." Her mother told her, breaking Katarina out of her thoughts. Katarina looked out the window and saw that they were indeed at the train station.

"Oh, I see, thank you." Katarina opened her door and stepped out. While her parents paid the driver, Katarina grabbed her owl out of the backseat and went to get a trolley. When she returned, the cab had left and her parents were standing on the curb with her trunk.

"Are you ready to go Katya?" Her father asked softly.

"I am." Katarina replied.

"Then let us go." He said, as he loaded Katarina's trunk onto the trolley. They made their way through the crowded station until they reached an area in between Platform's 9 and 10.

"I promise to write when I can." Katarina promised her mother, as she gave her a hug good-bye. "And I'll see you when I come home for the winter holidays." She added, hugging her father.

"Katya, you're going to miss the train if you don't go now." Her mother said, looking at her watch.

"Alright. I love you mama, papa. Goodbye."

"We love you too Katya." Her father replied. "Now go, or you will not get a seat." Katya nodded, put her head down and ran as fast as she could through the barrier between platform's 9 and 10. When she was through, she noticed that almost everyone else had boarded. She quickly gave her trolley to a porter and hurried on the train. She ran right to the back of the train, where she assumed the Slytherins would have made themselves at home. They hadn't.

"Well, well Ivanova, you certainly seem to be in a hurry to see me." Sirius Black said, his dark eyes shining.

"You know Black, not everything is about you. Especially when it involves me." She turned to Remus Lupin and asked, "You haven't seen Severus, have you?"

"I don't believe we know anyone by that name, do we Sirius?" James Potter answered instead.

"No James, I don't believe we do." Sirius returned with a sly smile.

"You are all such children!" Katarina exclaimed exasperatedly. "Fine, have you seen Snape around?"

"I think she's inventing people again, James." Sirius mocked.

"Haha…good one Sirius." Peter Pettigrew complimented. Katarina gave him a withering stare, but it didn't do anything.

"Peter, shut-up." James replied. "Why Sirius, do you think she's a wee bit touched, you know upstairs." He finished, pointing to his head.

"I do believe she may be." Sirius replied his grin nearly as wide as his face.

"You are the three most frustrating people I have ever met! Grow up!" She said, her frustration coming through clearly.

"She is touched." James remarked. "Or blind, as there are clearly four of us in here."

"That there are, Potter." Katarina returned. "But yet, I only mention three. Why do you think that is?" She added mockingly. "Stumped?" She asked. "You see, only you, Black, and Pettigrew frustrate me. Remus, on the other hand is actually a pleasant person. He's the only one of you with any decency. Hence why he, and not any of you, was made prefect. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have someone to find." With that, she stalked out the car and attempted to find Severus. She found him at the front of the train with most of the rest of the Slytherin 5th years.

"Nice badge." She told him with a laugh.

"Jealous?" He asked.

"Not in the least." She replied with a smile.

"Hey, Snape, what's up with the Ravenclaw?" Karl Langston, a 7th year Slytherin asked snidely.

"You're an ass Langston." Katarina replied.

"I wasn't talking to you, was I Ivanova?" He sneered.

"Ugh, fuck it. I'll go sit somewhere else. Why am I surrounded by assholes?" She said with a scowl before leaving. She stalked to the back of the train again and threw herself onto a seat.

"Not a word from you Black, I mean it!" She warned darkly. She glared at him, as he grinned wildly. "Shut-up!" She yelled, which caused Sirius to promptly burst out laughing.

"I didn't say anything." He squeaked out, in between laughs.

"Humph." Katarina grumbled before pulling out a book and reading. The book was very dull. It was supposed to be a great novel about a young witch and a young warlock caught between warring sides during a goblin war. She thought they were both stupid and could benefit from a swift kick in the head. She scowled. There were a lot of people she'd like to give a swift kick in the head, and Sirius Black was at the top of the list. She stole a glance at the four young men sitting across from her and shook her head. They had a bag full of things from Zonko's and were debating over how best to use them. She had to admit they had pretty original ideas, except Pettigrew who merely copied Black. Her brother would have had his hands full with them this year. She felt a pang of guilt as she remembered that she hadn't thought about her brother since she got on the train. The hint of a smile that had begun to appear on her face disappeared and was replaced by a look of distress. She held up her book to cover her face so that none of the Marauders would be able to see her face. It wasn't that she wanted to hide the death of her brother from them, Sirius had most likely told them already, but she just didn't want any of them to see her upset. She didn't want her vulnerability exposed to anyone. Not even her parents knew that she'd cried herself to sleep every night since her brother had been murdered. She tried to keep herself from getting too emotional by reading her book. She figured that it was so mind-numbingly dull that it would kill all her brain activity. It did the trick.

"Oi! Ivanova!" Katarina looked up with a start. Remus Lupin was standing above her grinning.

"Yes, what do you want?" She asked tiredly.

"We're here. You can get off the train now."

"Oh, thanks." She packed up her bag and stepped off the train. Her eyes widened as she saw that the carriages that had previously been horseless now had large equine beasts towing them. She nudged Remus in the ribs and asked, "What on earth are those things pulling the carriages?"

"You can see them?" He asked, surprised.

"Of course I can. Who could miss them?"

"Almost everyone else. You cannot see them unless you've seen death. How many people here do you think have seen someone die?"

"Not too many I guess." She replied. She felt dirty, like she'd been tainted by something, by death.

"Remus, come on, let's go." James interrupted, as he grabbed Lupin's arm.

"I have to go sit with the other prefects, sorry." He replied.

"No one will notice if you skip out. Come on."

"James, I just became a prefect, I'm going to give it a good hour and a half before I start breaking the rules. Why don't you ask Evans, as you're so keen on her?"

"She said that she'd rather be married to a toad than sit with me. Oh, and she's a prefect."

"Struck out again, eh?" Remus teased.

"She wants me, she just doesn't know it yet." James returned. "Oi, Ivanova! Come with me." He grabbed her arm and started pulling her to the carriages.

"What are you doing?" Katarina asked, trying to shake her arm out of James's grip.

"If you don't come in our carriage, David Trellenger will. And if he does, I will hurt him. So you're really doing him a favour."

"Fine." She replied sullenly. "Can you let go of my arm now?" She asked, clearly annoyed.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry." James answered with a grin as they walked to the carriages. Sirius and Peter were already inside waiting.

"James, is something wrong with your eyes? Because that's not Remus." Sirius asked sarcastically.

"He's going with the other prefects. It was either Ivanova or Trellenger and since I don't want to get expelled already, Trellenger wasn't coming." James retorted.

"Is that true Ivanova? Or is it that you just adore spending time with me?" Sirius asked mockingly.

"Black, don't push me today, I'm not in the mood." Katarina said threateningly.

"So what are you in the mood for?" Sirius asked suggestively.

"Fuck you, Black. Stop being such an asshole."

"So you're in the mood for that, eh? Can't say I blame you. A good looking guy such as myself always has the ladies going crazy for him."

"You know if your ego was any bigger, you'd have to ride in here alone. No one else would fit." Sirius went to reply, but the carriages stopped before he had the chance.

"I guess we're here." James said quietly.

"Finally." Katarina replied sullenly. She stepped out of the carriage and headed up to the great hall for the feast. Even though she was absolutely famished, she was not looking forward to the feast. After the feast everyone would know about her brother and would want to talk to her about it. Katarina had no idea what she was going to say to them. What could she say? Was she going to tell them that due to her stupidity a gang of muggle thugs murdered her brother? That it was her fault her brother was dead? Katarina shook her head involuntarily, trying to clear her head. She held her head up high and walked into the great hall with the rest of her class. Her eyes darted around the room and she noticed that the hall was almost full. She had never realised how many people there were in the school. She immediately felt ill. She turned and ran. She ran as far as she could before she collapsed in tears. She didn't notice that someone had followed her.


	3. Into the Fire

Disclaimer: I don't own what JKR does. If JKR doesn't own it, then I do, unless otherwise mentioned.

A/N: I apologize for taking so long to update, but I was moving and working and also had no internet for a while. But, nonetheless, here it is again. I hope you enjoy it.

Katarina was sitting on the grass near the Forbidden Forest, trying to compose herself. She couldn't let anyone at the feast see her this way. Her cheeks were tear-stained and her nose was running. She knew a spell that could get rid of both, it was the same spell she used when she didn't want her parents to know she'd been crying, but she needed to compose herself first. She took a few shaky deep breaths, and started to stand up when she heard a twig snap behind her. She turned around quickly and saw a large black dog walking towards her. He stopped when she looked at him, sat down, and stared at her.

"Hello puppy." She said, walking towards him. "You seem to know your way around, you must belong to Hagrid." She scratched him playfully behind the ears, before sitting down beside him. "There's a feast going on inside, you know. But I can't go inside. There are too many people. I don't want to be around people right now." The dog barked in agreement. "You certainly are a friendly fellow; I wonder why I haven't seen you around before." She glanced at her watch. She'd been out for half an hour. The sorting would be over by now. She sighed. "Alright puppy, it was nice sitting with you, but I have to go." With that she stood up, brushed her robes off, and headed back to the great hall to eat. She didn't notice the dog run behind a tree and disappear. Nor did she notice Sirius Black come out from behind the very same tree that the dog had run behind. Katarina didn't notice much as she made her way to castle. She quickly cast a spell on herself to get rid of the puffiness and redness around her eyes.

Katarina managed to get to the Great Hall just as the last of the first years were being sorted. She decided to wait until they were finished, before going to sit down. She was standing in the doorway waiting, when Sirius Black arrived.

"Why aren't you in there?" She asked snidely.

"Why aren't you?" He retorted.

"I asked you first."

"Well, I was, uh…"

"Ugh, whatever, I don't care. They're done sorting now, so I'm going in. You can do whatever it is that you need to do." Katarina said disgustedly before heading over to the Ravenclaw table and sliding into the seat that her friend Seliina had saved for her.

"Where were you?" Seliina whispered.

"I was feeling nauseous after the train ride, so I went to see Madame Pomfrey. She gave me some chocolate and I felt much better." She vaguely heard Dumbledore clear his throat and turned towards him so she could see and hear him better.

"I have an announcement to make." He began. "As many of you may already know, one of your fellow students has passed away this summer." As soon as Dumbledore said this Katarina immediately felt ill. She looked around frantically, seeing if she could make a run for the door without being seen, but it was impossible. "Piotr Ivanov was a fine student and an excellent person. He will be sorely missed by all." Dumbledore paused for a moment and looked at Professor McGonagall, who nodded in response. "There will be a memorial in Gryffindor tower Friday evening for all who wish to attend." He finished softly. As soon as he said this, Katarina felt a stabbing pain in her chest and began having trouble breathing. Her mouth went dry and she tried to stand up, but found she couldn't move.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Seliina asked softly.

"I…I mean…My…my parents wanted me to wait." She finally choked out. "They thought…that it would be easier that way." She looked back at the table and saw that the food had appeared. "When did that happen?" She asked, changing the subject.

"Oh, just a moment ago." Seliina replied quietly.

"I see." Katarina picked up the bowl of mashed potatoes and spooned a small amount onto her plate. She also took a small piece of turkey and some carrots.

"Not hungry?" Seliina asked.

"Not in the least bit." Katarina replied, prodding her piece of turkey with her fork. She dropped her fork with a sigh. The smell of the food was repulsing her and she was beginning to feel ill. She wondered if maybe she could pretend to faint and then get carried out of the dining hall to the hospital wing. That way she wouldn't have to walk across the room alone while everyone stared at her. "No, that's a stupid idea." She mumbled under her breath.

"What was that?" Seliina asked quietly.

"Oh, nothing. Just talking to myself." Katarina replied, picking up her fork again. She poked at her potatoes a couple times before dropping her fork and standing up. "I feel nauseous." She told Seliina before beginning her walk across the Great Hall. Most people were too busy eating to notice her hasty departure, but there were a few who watched her as she went.

"Hey, Ivanova's leaving." James Potter noted, elbowing Sirius before reaching for some more mashed potatoes.

"So?" Sirius snapped in reply.

"Just passing the information along, no need to be so testy." James retorted.

"Fine. Next time, don't." Sirius replied. He pushed his plate away from him and stood up. "I'm going for a walk." He announced.

"I thought you didn't care." James said edgily.

"I don't. I'm just going for a walk." Sirius answered, before stalking off across the dining hall. He didn't really know where he was going to go, only that he needed to be by himself. He scowled. It was stupid really, beating himself up over a girl who couldn't stand him. He knew why, of course. He was cocky, surly, and generally full of himself. She was also a girl who'd just lost her brother under rather mysterious circumstances. Well, mysterious as in he, Sirius Black, was not privy to them. It was only natural that she'd be surly and unpleasant towards anyone who reminded her of her brother. Yet at the same time she always had a good word to say about Moony. He and her brother had been good friends. If his theory that she'd be unpleasant to anyone that reminded her of her brother was true, she would have been as surly towards Moony as she had been towards James and him. Well, it would be true unless she had a thing for Moony. At this thought Sirius scowled angrily and looked about for something to hit. He saw Snape exiting the dining hall and smiled. Getting an early start on torturing Snivellus would certainly make him feel better. He drew out his wand from his pocket and tried to think about the best curse to use. However, before he could, someone pushed him from behind knocking him off balance.

"What the…?" He began, whirling around to see who had pushed him.

"Sirius Black, I may not be a prefect, but I can tell you that you are not going to start that today!" Katarina said angrily. Sirius noted that she looked furious. Her face was flushed and she was shaking.

"Don't push me." He snarled.

"Then don't start fights with my friends." She retorted.

"Maybe you should pick your friends a little more carefully." He replied icily.

"What, and pick the likes of you and James? I don't think so." She returned haughtily.

"Piotr didn't seem to think we were so bad." The instant the words left his mouth Sirius knew he'd gone too far. At first Katarina didn't respond. She just looked so unbelievably angry that Sirius imagined that she was too mad to make a coherent sentence.

"How dare you say that to me!" She exploded finally. "How dare you bring my brother into this! Have you no respect for the pain that my family and I are going through?"

"Ivanova, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that." Sirius apologized. He reached out to touch her shoulder, but she recoiled.

"Don't you touch me." She said, her voice trembling.

"Ivanova, don't…" He began.

"I said don't touch me." Her voice was low and eerily calm, yet Sirius could feel the anger radiating from it. At that moment Seliina came out of the dining room and came over to where Sirius and Katarina were engaged in their standoff.

"Hey there, what's going on?" She asked slowly.

"Nothing." Katarina replied. "I was just leaving." With that she turned on her heel and stalked off towards the Ravenclaw dormitories.

"What did you say to her?" Seliina asked, looking shocked.

"How do you know I said something?" Sirius protested.

"Well, whatever it was, you pissed her off pretty bad. I'd watch it for awhile if I were you." Seliina replied before heading off after Katarina. Sirius waited until she disappeared from sight before spinning around and kicking the wall as firmly as he could.

"Strike out again, eh Padfoot?" James asked, coming over to him. "Though I thought you'd be going after Ivanova and not her friend. Either way, it looks like you came up empty-handed again."

"James, for once in your life, do me a favour and please shut-up."

"Alright, I yield. But I did just see Snivellus down the hallway. If you're still mad, maybe a little fun would boost your spirits." James said, grinning like a maniac.

"You know, dear Prongs, I believe it would." With that James and Sirius stalked down the hallway, wands ready to cause some trouble.


	4. Agony

Disclaimer: I do not own what JKR does. If JKR does not own it (or created it) then it is my own creation unless otherwise mentioned.

When Seliina reached the Ravenclaw girls dormitories, she noticed that Katarina's curtains were already pulled shut around her bed.

"Katarina, don't do this. Please, come down to the common room with me, meet the new first years. Black's an ass, don't let him get to you." Seliina pleaded. Katarina heard her but didn't reply. She waited a few minutes and finally heard Seliina go downstairs. She couldn't follow Seliina down there, put on a happy smile, and pretend everything was okay when it clearly wasn't. She was having trouble breathing and she was being plagued by stabbing chest pains every few minutes. She also couldn't stop her mind from replaying her brother's death over and over again. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, she wanted everyone to share her pain, so that she could have a little less of it and feel a little less alone. But she couldn't. If she did any of those things she'd have to tell someone how it happened and that was something that she could not do. Her parents still didn't know the whole story and none of her friends knew that she'd been there or been injured in struggle. She absently scratched at the scar that cut from the left side of her forehead, across her nose, to her right cheek. She'd kept the scar as a reminder of what had happened. Still, she'd covered up the scar so that no one would ask questions. She'd used Madame Tuntseva's cover-up. It claimed that it could make anyone's skin appear smooth. It had worked so far, and even though it was mildly itchy, Katarina was glad that she had decided against showing it. Her parents knew it was there, but that was all.

She sighed heavily. Despite the fact that she was still angry with Sirius Black she knew that he hadn't meant to say what he'd said. After all, that was the only time she'd ever heard him apologize, in a non-sarcastic way, for anything. And even though she had enjoyed their sparring matches in the past, she was not enjoying the vicious fights that seemed to erupt every time they spoke. When her brother had been there, she had laughed and joked and teased with Sirius, James, and Remus on a regular basis. They had never been good friends, but they had certainly been friendly towards each other. Now that Piotr was dead, all that was gone, all because of one of her stupid ideas. What girl in her right mind would walk the streets of Moscow alone at night? But of course, she was cocky. She was a witch and in her mind no muggle could harm her. Her belief that she was almost invincible got her brother killed and nearly her as well. At this thought Katarina felt a stabbing pain in her chest. It was worse than all the others before. It felt as though her heart were being torn in two. She bit her lip to keep from crying out. Her vision blurred and her breaths came in short gasps.

"So this is what a heart attack feels like." She mumbled the instant before losing consciousness.

She awoke with a jolt five hours later, her body bathed in a cold sweat. She looked down at her clothes and saw that she was still wearing her uniform and her robes. She shook her head violently, as if the action would make her remember how she came to be in this position. Slowly, she remembered sitting on her bed, the curtains drawn, thinking about her brother's death. She also remembered the violent chest pains and thinking that she was having a heart attack. She slowly opened the curtains on her bed and noticed that everyone else was asleep. She quietly slipped out of bed and headed downstairs into the common room. Thankfully, it was empty. She slipped out through the portrait hole and headed in the direction of the hospital wing. Passing out due to severe chest pains and shortness of breath was not something that she wanted to become a regular occurrence, so she decided to go see Madame Pomfrey immediately.

As Katarina was walking through the corridor near the Great Hall, she thought she saw something peculiar. It was Severus. His body was rigid and he was propped up against a suit of armour wearing a hat covered in pink and purple feathers and a boa to match.

"I'm going to kill Sirius Black." She mumbled, before releasing Severus from the spell. "Let me guess, Potter and Black?" She asked.

"Who else would it be?" He snarled, as he threw off the hat and boa. Katarina glared at him. It wasn't her fault that Sirius and James enjoyed torturing him.

"Well, seeing as you're free now, I'll just get on my merry way." Katarina said evenly. "Oh, and next time this happens, you'd do well to thank the person who helps you out."

"Thank you." He grumbled before stalking off towards the dungeons. Katarina watched him leave before she started walking towards the hospital wing again. She shook her head. Even thought she counted Severus as one of her best friends, she couldn't help but notice that he could be a real prick sometimes. She scowled, thinking that she had acquired another person to fight with.

Katarina reached the hospital wing a few minutes later. The door was locked, but she had expected that, as it was past midnight. She felt a twinge of guilt at coming here so late, but it passed fairly quickly. She knocked firmly on the door, knowing that Madame Pomfrey would hear her and arrive fairly quickly. She did, nearly out of breath.

"What is the matter my dear? I gather it is something important or you would not be here so late?" The older woman asked, after catching her breath. She opened the door to the hospital wing with a flick of her wand and ushered Katarina in.

"I was in my dorm earlier, sitting on my bed when I began having chest pains. I ignored them, but then there was one that felt like it was tearing my heart in two. At the same time, my throat tightened up and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Then I passed out and awoke five hours later and decided to come here. I wasn't sure if it was serious, but I didn't want it to happen again." Katarina told her. Madame Pomfrey frowned inwardly. The first thing that came to her mind was that Katarina had had a panic attack. Her symptoms fit and she had also recently suffered a traumatic experience.

"It sounds like it could be a few things." She said finally. "I think you should stay here tonight and we'll do some tests in the morning."

"I think that would be good." Katarina answered with a nod. Madame Pomfrey showed her to an empty bed and gave her a robe to change into.

"If it happens again, just ring the bell and someone will come to help you." She told Katarina, before leaving to go back to her quarters. Katarina closed the curtains around her bed and quickly changed out of her uniform into the robe Madame Pomfrey had given her. She splashed some cold water on her face, which seemed abnormally warm to her. Then she slipped under the covers and drifted into an uneasy sleep.

She didn't know how it happened, but somehow she was there again. She felt the thug's pocketknife slice across her face. She felt the warm blood run into her eyes and down her face. She heard herself howl in pain. And she saw her brother run across the road to come help her. She wanted to scream at him, to tell him to go, and that he would only get himself killed, but she found she couldn't speak. So it all happened all over again. She watched as her brother noticed seconds too late that there was someone else. She saw the trigger being pulled and the bullet strike her brother.

She awoke seconds later with an unbearable pain in her chest. She bit back a cry of pain and managed to ring the bell before her vision blurred and she once again fell into unconsciousness.

She awoke with a jolt a few minutes later, the smelling salts Madame Pomfrey held under her nose bringing her back to consciousness. She opened her eyes and found she couldn't see. There was something blocking her vision. She ran her hand over her face and found that her hair had fallen down over her eyes. She brushed it off her face and ran her fingers over her scar as she sat up. The make-up must have come off when she'd splashed the water on her face. There was a soft light coming from the oil lamp beside her bed.

"An accident over the summer." She explained as Madame Pomfrey stared at the scar that ran across her face.

"I think you need to see Professor Dumbledore." Madame Pomfrey told her quietly. Katarina paled noticeably.

"I would prefer not to." Katarina said, her voice wobbling slightly.

"That is not an option." Professor Dumbledore told her, as he stepped into the light. "You are hiding things Miss Ivanova and it is making you ill. We now know one of them." He gestured at her scar. "Why did you feel the need to hide that?" He asked.

"I wanted to be pretty." She said sarcastically.

"Try again." Dumbledore told her.

"I didn't really feel like answering any questions. They'd ask me how I got it, and that is something that I don't want to get into."

"Well, fortunately for you I already know how you got that scar. When your parents informed me of your brother's murder they also informed me that you were injured in the attack as well." At the mention of her brother's murder, Katarina immediately felt a sharp stabbing pain in her chest and inhaled sharply. "Something wrong, Miss Ivanova?" Dumbledore asked, looking concerned.

"Chest pains." She choked out.

"Do you think she'll have another attack?" Dumbledore asked, turning to Madame Pomfrey.

"It is almost certain." She replied.

"What do you mean attack?" Katarina asked angrily. "What is wrong with me?"

"You have been experiencing panic attacks." The nurse explained gently. "From what your parents told the school before you returned, I understand that this is not the first time you've experienced such attacks." Katarina nodded dumbly. When she was 10 her great-grandfather passed away the summer before she was set to go to Hogwarts. Every time she thought about starting school without being able to talk to him, she would be unable to breathe and would pass out. She was given an anti-depressant and a mood elevating potion which she had to take every day until school started. She was fine as soon as she had realized that Piotr would be there with her.

"Does this mean that I need to take the mood elevating and the anti-depressant potions again?" She asked.

"Yes. Otherwise the attacks will continue and there is a good chance that during one you will injure yourself." Madame Pomfrey informed her. Katarina scowled. She didn't have anything against the potions. After all they were mostly comprised of chocolate and had a very enjoyable taste. No, the problem she had with them was that they made her feel weak. She was Russian, she was strong. She shouldn't need these potions to function normally. She should be able to handle her problems herself. It was what she wanted to do. Unfortunately her body rejected her plan for dealing with things and instead forced her to have to take potions so that she wouldn't pass out at the thought of her brother.

"Fine, I'll do it then. But I don't want to have to come here every day to take them. I don't want anyone else to know about this." Katarina agreed sullenly.

"I think we can manage that." Dumbledore told her. "Right Poppy?" He asked Madame Pomfrey.

"We can. I have enough for one month right now of each, which I can give you to take yourself. As you've taken it before I'm sure you'll be perfectly capable of doing it on your own." Katarina nodded.

"Alright." She agreed. "Then what, I come in here once a month for a re-fill?" She asked. Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey both nodded. "Wonderful." She said sarcastically. "May I still cover my scar? I would prefer not to open myself up to all the questions that my fellow students will undoubtedly have." They both nodded again.

"You may do what you wish about the scar." Professor Dumbledore told her. "It is not our place to tell you otherwise."

"Fine, thank you." Katarina said grudgingly. Professor Dumbledore nodded as he turned and left the hospital wing as silently as he had entered it.

"It is nearly morning. You may return to your dormitory if you wish." Madame Pomfrey told her.

"I think I will." Katarina answered. She closed the curtains around her bed and quickly changed out of the hospital robe and into her uniform. She re-opened the curtains and handed the robe to Madame Pomfrey, who gave her two small bottles, a small spoon, and two pieces of parchment in return. "Thank you." She said before heading off to her dorm.

She shoved the potions and everything that went with them into the pocket of her robe. Then she ran as quickly as she could to her dorm, hoping to arrive before anyone was awake. That way no one would know that she'd spent the evening in the hospital wing and she wouldn't have to make an excuse for being there. She dashed into the common room and breathed a sigh of relief to see that no one was there. She bolted up the stairs into the girl's dormitory as quietly as she could, hopped into her bed, and pulled the curtains shut behind her. She had made it. She was exhausted, but she had made it. She fell back on her bed and, checking her watch, saw that she had about an hour left to sleep before she had to get up for breakfast. She took a dose of each of her potions and fell into a dreamless sleep.


	5. Happiness

Disclaimer: I do not own what JKR does.

Katarina awoke with a jolt as the alarm on her pocket watch went off. She sat up and went to grab for her robes, before noticing that she was already dressed. She scowled, noticing that everything was wrinkled. She grabbed her wand and cast a straightening spell, but it didn't help. She had never been particularly good with domestic spells. She reached up to brush her hair out of her eyes and felt her scar, completely uncovered.

"Goddam." She cursed under her breath. She glanced at her watch and saw she had half an hour before she had to go for breakfast. There wasn't nearly enough time to fix her scar and go to breakfast. She sighed heavily as she decided that it was better to be hungry than to have people start asking questions. She waited until all the other girls had left the dorm and then took out her mirror and began to reapply her make-up to cover her scar. It took her longer than she expected and she had to run to make it to her Transfiguration class on time.

She was starving by the time she made it to class. She was the last one to arrive, but was luckily not late. She slid into the seat that Seliina had saved for her and pulled out her quill and parchment.

"Why weren't you at breakfast?" Seliina whispered.

"I overslept and barely had enough time to get dressed before I had to run to class." Katarina lied smoothly. "I'm starving."

"I'm not surprised; you barely ate anything yesterday either." Seliina replied.

"Ladies!" Professor McGonagall snapped, glaring reproachfully at Katarina and Seliina. "Class has started. As I'm sure neither of you would like to lose house points on only the second day, please cease your talking now." Katarina and Seliina nodded silently. "Now, as you all know, your OWLs are this year. These exams are extremely important for your future here at Hogwarts and once you graduate. You will all need to work extremely hard in order to achieve good marks. However, I have every reason to believe that each one of you is capable of getting their Transfiguration OWL. Now the first spell we will be working on today is the Vanishing Spell. We'll start off with snails today and move up to more difficult animals as we go on. Pettigrew, McClennan, if you could please pass out the snails, we'll begin."

Katarina gave Peter a faint smile as he handed her a snail. She didn't really dislike him. She just found him kind of annoying sometimes. Also, she was feeling much better today due to the fact that she'd taken her potions before coming to class.

By the end of class very few students had managed to do anything to their snails. Only two students had managed to vanish their snails: Remus and Sirius. Katarina had managed to vanish her snail's shell, while James and Peter both managed to vanish their snail's bodies.

"We should work together." James joked, poking her in the ribs with his wand. "You work on the shell, I do the body. We'd be set."

"So when we moved onto, say mice, I'd vanish the skeleton, you'd vanish the body?" Katarina asked with a grin.

"Exactly."

"Somehow I don't think Professor McGonagall will let us get away with that." Katarina said with a laugh. "Ugh," She said, looking down at her schedule. "I've got Double Divination next. What about you?"

"I've got Double Potions with Snivellus." James replied. Katarina scowled.

"I really wish you wouldn't call him that." Katarina said with a sigh.

"That's one battle you're never going to win. Snivellus he is and Snivellus he always will be." James said, ruffling his hair as Lily Evans walked by. Lily glared at him and continued onto her next class.

"She really doesn't like you, does she?" Katarina asked with a grin.

"She does, she just doesn't know it yet." James replied smugly.

"Well, good luck with that. Anyway, I've got to go or I'm going to be late. Have fun in Potions."

"I always do." James replied, rolling his eyes.

The rest of the day passed quickly for Katarina. Her classes went well, though by the end of the day she was rather tired of hearing how difficult the OWLs were going to be. Still she understood that is was something that needed to be said.

It had been a very good day for Katarina so she was in a noticeably good mood by the time dinner came around. She saw Sirius heading into the Great Hall and went over to talk to him. She wanted to apologize for being such a bitch to him before.

"Hey, Sirius, can I talk to you for a second?" She asked, grabbing his arm. He shook his arm free and wordlessly carried on towards the Gryffindor table. Katarina was stunned. She didn't think he'd be particularly nice to her, but she'd thought that he would at least hear her out. She scowled angrily and headed off to her own table. "If he wants to be like that, that's fine." She muttered under her breath.

"You know talking to yourself is one of the first signs of insanity." A voice said behind her. Katarina turned around. It was Severus.

"I never said I was sane." She returned with a grin.

"You seem happier today." He remarked.

"I guess I just needed a good night's sleep." Katarina lied.

"I've heard that can help." He replied.

"Yes, it did." Katarina agreed. She looked over at her table and saw Seliina gesturing to her. "Well, dinner's about to start, so I should get to my table."

"As should I." Severus replied. Katarina turned and headed for her table. She glanced at the Gryffindor table and saw Sirius smirking at her. She looked away and scowled. She'd been having such a good day until she'd tried to talk to him. Now she just felt angry. She sat down beside Seliina just as the food appeared.

"Guess what happened to me today?" Seliina asked.

"What?" Katarina asked tiredly. Seliina either ignored or didn't catch Katarina's tone and continued on happily.

"Sirius Black asked me to go to Hogsmeade with him in two weeks." She finished. Katarina stared at her friend in disbelief.

"Sorry, I must not have heard you right. You didn't say Sirius Black, did you?" Seliina nodded.

"I did. I said yes. You aren't mad, are you? I know you're fighting with him, but he is kind of cute and…" Seliina continued rambling on, but Katarina had stopped paying attention. She looked across at the Gryffindor table and saw Sirius and friends acting very celebratory. She scowled and turned back to Seliina, who had stopped talking.

"No, I'm not mad." Katarina said slowly. "I just think that he's a bit of an ass." She added, as she spooned some potatoes onto her plate.

"I'm glad you're not mad." Seliina said with a smile. Katarina nodded and stabbed moodily at a potato on her plate. She was confused. Sirius had never shown any kind of interest in Seliina before. In fact she doubted that, until the other night, Sirius and Seliina had ever had a conversation that consisted of more than 'hello, how are you?' She ate the rest of her meal in silence and excused herself early to go to the library.

James had noticed Katarina glaring at their table earlier and her early departure from dinner. He waited until Peter and Remus had left before talking to Sirius about it.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked as they made their way back to the common room.

"What do you mean?"

"Come off it Padfoot, you know what I mean. Why on earth, why you're completely smitten with Ivanova, would you ask her best friend to Hogsmeade? That really doesn't seem the best way to endear yourself to her, mate."

"I am not completely smitten with Ivanova. And even if I was, she has no interest in me. She's completely infatuated with Moony." Sirius replied in a clipped tone.

"Moony? Where on earth are you getting that from?"

"She said he was the only decent one among us. She claimed that he was the only one she could stand."

"And from that you decided that she fancied Moony?" James asked incredulously.

"Yes." Sirius replied stubbornly.

"Then you're as thick as Wormtail. Did it ever occur to you that the reason you're able to get her all riled up like that is because she fancies you?"

"Or she loathes and despises me. I think I'll stick with that one." Sirius said, the edge in his voice growing more evident with each word.

"Alright mate, but don't say I never told you. Still, that friend of hers was a good second choice." He added with a grin.

"First choice." Sirius replied. "And of course she was, as I have impeccable taste."

"Sure you do." James answered sarcastically.

"Jealous?" Sirius asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Of what you're getting into?" James asked incredulously, as they arrived at the portrait hole. "Not in the least." Sirius laughed before uttering the password and walking into the common room.

Katarina, on the other hand, was furious. She was furious at Sirius for asking Seliina to Hogsmeade and furious at Seliina for saying yes. She understood why Seliina had agreed to it, as Sirius Black was exceedingly handsome and popular, but she was still angry.

She'd gone to the library after dinner to let off some steam by getting an early start on her homework. She managed to finish her Transfiguration paper before heading back to her dorm to get some sleep. She was walking back to her common room when she ran into Severus.

"You look like quite the ray of sunshine today." He greeted sarcastically.

"Black." She replied angrily.

"Of course, who else could it be? What has he done now? Stolen your favorite toy?" He asked mockingly. Katarina glared at him.

"That's rich coming from you." Katarina retorted.

"And what do mean by that?" He asked.

"I mean…" Katarina began. "You know what, never mind. Next time they petrify you good luck finding someone to undo the spell." With that she stalked off in the direction of her common room. Severus merely smirked and watched her storm off.

Katarina stormed through her common room and up the stairs to the girls' dorm. She put her school bag on her trunk and flopped onto her bed. She scowled and tried to think of reasons why Sirius would want to go out with Seliina. She finally decided that he could only be doing it to annoy her.

"Well," She murmured. "Two can play at that game."


	6. Remembrance

Disclaimer: I own nothing that JKR does.

Katarina woke up the next morning an hour before her alarm was set to go off. She quickly put on her uniform and robes before heading to the washroom to redo the makeup covering her scar. While this took nearly half an hour, she was still able to get back to her bed and take her potions before anyone else woke up. Once she had finished everything she needed to do, she grabbed her bag and headed downstairs to the common room to read before breakfast.

The common room was empty when she arrived so she sat down on the comfiest chair in the room and began to read. However, she found that she couldn't concentrate. Her thought were still on Sirius Black. She had begun to question whether or not Sirius had asked Seliina to Hogsmeade merely to annoy her. Katarina had to admit that Seliina was a very pretty girl. She was tall, thin, blonde, and blue-eyed. The boys clearly enjoyed these looks as Seliina had continually been asked to Hogsmeade by many of the boys in their grade in fourth year. Katarina, on the other hand, didn't see herself as particularly attractive. She was average height, with dark brown hair, and grey eyes. She was thinner now than she used to be, as she had barely eaten over the summer, but she wasn't skinny.

"The only thing I've got going for myself is my chest." Katarina mumbled to herself. "And all it generally brings me is back pain." She scowled angrily and tried to get her mind off Sirius by focusing on her schoolwork. It didn't work. She couldn't get rid of the voice in her head telling her that she was just jealous that Sirius hadn't asked her to Hogsmeade. She shook her head involuntarily to get rid of the thought. "No," she muttered angrily, "that can't be it. He has to be doing this to get under my skin."

"Talking to yourself there?" A friendly voice asked. Katarina looked up in alarm. It was Marcus Prince, a seventh year and the new Head Boy.

"What? Oh, yes. I sometimes do." Marcus smiled and sat down in the chair beside her.

"Look Katarina, I know you're probably hearing this from everyone right now, but I'm really sorry about what happened to your brother. He was a great guy. We weren't all that close, but when we'd run into each other he'd never had anything but kind words to say about anyone. He'd always ask how you were doing when he'd run into me in the hall." Katarina nodded numbly. She felt horrible for forgetting her brother these past few days. She hadn't even thought about him yesterday.

"Thanks." She croaked out eventually. She could feel the tears forming and she was trying her hardest not to let them fall.

"Professor Dumbledore asked me to talk to you about speaking at the memorial." Marcus added softly. "He said if it's too much for you, you don't have to." Katarina's eyes widened. She'd forgotten that the memorial was today. "You don't have to give him your decision until dinner, so if you need to think about it, you've got time." He added when she didn't respond right away. Katarina nodded.

"Thanks." She replied, her voice wavering slightly. She blinked away the tears that had begun to form, looked up and smiled. "I will think about it." By now the other students had begun coming downstairs from their dorms. Katarina stood up. "Anyway, I should be getting off to breakfast, but thank you for your kind words about my brother. I really appreciate them." Marcus smiled.

"Anytime." He told her. At that moment Seliina came downstairs.

"Katya, ready for breakfast are we?" She asked with a grin, linking arms with Katarina as she walked by.

"Well you're hauling me off, so I suppose I'd better be." Katarina replied with a laugh. She knew that Seliina was trying to keep her spirits up. Katarina guessed that Seliina had remembered that today was the memorial and that she knew Katarina would need support.

The day passed in a blur for Katarina. Her classes went relatively well, although she was distracted the entire day. It wasn't a problem until Potions, in which Seliina had to stop her twice from adding the wrong ingredients. By the end of the day she still hadn't decided whether or not to say anything at her brother's memorial. She spent her time between her last class and dinner in the library, contemplating what to do. She knew that she should say something, but she didn't want to break down in front of so many people. She also didn't know what she was going to say. Almost all of her memories of her brother were far too personal to share with most of the school. She also didn't want to be the one to tell them how her brother died. She knew that she could never tell them exactly what happened that night, but she didn't think she would be able to tell part of the story either.

Katarina's stomach was in knots during dinner and for the third night in a row she ate very little. Even looking at the food was starting to make her feel ill. Despite the fact that she had taken her potions that morning, she was having slight chest pains.

"Are you going to be alright?" Seliina whispered, when she noticed the look of despair on Katarina's face.

"I'll be fine." Katarina insisted. Seliina raised an eyebrow at her and shook her head.

"Have you made a decision yet?" Seliina asked softly. Katarina hesitated a moment before answering.

"I have." She said finally. "I'm going to try to say something. If I can't or I get into trouble…well I'll deal with that when I come to it." Seliina reached over and gave her friend's hand a squeeze.

"Everyone understands that this is going to be hard for you and even if you don't get a word out, they'll know how much he meant to you."

"Thanks." Katarina mumbled, a sad smile appearing on her face. "I suppose I should go tell Professor Dumbledore my decision." She added, getting up from the table. She slowly walked over to the professors' table and told Dumbledore that she would try to say something about Piotr.

"You are braver than you know, Miss Ivanova." The Headmaster said with a smile.

"Thank you, sir." She replied, before returning to her table.

In the time between dinner and the memorial, Katarina tried to prepare something to say. She hated everything she wrote. She couldn't find the words to express exactly how she felt. Everything she wrote felt hollow and empty. She wanted fitting words for Piotr. She wanted words that he could be proud of. By the time she had to leave, she had kept nothing that she had written. She decided to just go with what she felt.

When she and Seliina arrived, Katarina was in awe with what she saw. Nearly the entire school had turned up for the memorial. In fact there were so many students that they had to move it to the Great Hall just so they could fit everyone in. Katarina felt her chest tighten, when she saw all the people, and for a moment she struggled to breathe. However, she managed to gain control of herself fairly quickly, though not quickly enough as Seliina noticed right away.

"You don't have to do it, if you don't want to." She told Katarina.

"I know, but I want to. I need to." Katarina glanced around and saw that the room was arranged so that there were no house tables, but merely a room full of chairs, all facing a small platform that had a podium in the middle of it. She saw James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus all sitting in chairs near the back. James gave her a small wave and they all smiled at her as she came into the hall. She fought back tears as she and Seliina made their way past the crowd to the front of the room and took two seats at the front. Katarina smoothed her robes nervously and tried to think of what to say.

The memorial began soon after. Professor Dumbledore began by saying a few things about Piotr before handing the podium over to Professor McGonagall. She spoke about Piotr's time at Hogwart's and finished by saying that he was one of the finest students she had ever taught.

Then it was Katarina's turn. She walked steadily to the podium, her heart beating rapidly. She felt her throat tighten as she looked out at everyone who was gathered in the hall. She took a deep breath to try to steady her nerves, before beginning.

"I want to begin by thanking everyone here for coming. It's wonderful to see that my brother touched so many lives." She stopped for a moment and sighed. "Piotr was the kind of person that always knew the right thing to do to make your day brighten, be it a kind word in the hallway or a fresh towel for when Peeves got his hands on some water balloons. He took his position of prefect seriously, not because he liked the power, but because he wanted to make Hogwart's a better place for all students. I know he would have made an excellent Head Boy. He also took his studies here quite seriously, though he always had time for the occasional practical joke." Katarina paused for a moment to catch her breath. "He wanted to be an Auror once he finished school. It was his intention to move back to London once school was finished to begin training. I have no doubt he would have succeeded. I could never have dreamed up a better brother than Piotr. He was always there for me when I needed him and, despite being very busy with school, prefect duties, and his own friends, he always seemed to have time for me. I only hope he knew how much I appreciated it." Katarina took one more deep breath. She only had one thing left to say. "My brother died a true Gryffindor, brave until the end. He died saving a young girl from a group of muggle thugs. She escaped, but he was not quite so lucky." Katarina stopped for a moment and brushed back a tear. She knew she could say no more. "Thank you." She finished hoarsely, before leaving the podium and returning to her seat. Seliina grabbed her hand and squeezed it.

"Great job." She whispered. Katarina nodded slowly. She looked over at Seliina and saw that she was crying. Katarina was a little surprised but then remembered that Seliina had known Piotr better than most people.

"Thanks." Katarina replied softly. The rest of the memorial was a blur for Katarina. She heard everything that people said, but never registered it. She was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she barely heard Dumbledore ask everyone to stand for a moment of remembrance. Katarina clumsily got to her feet and put a hand on Seliina's shoulder to steady herself. And then it was over. Katarina quickly excused herself to go back to her dorm. She knew that now that everyone knew how Piotr had died, they would want to talk to her about and she couldn't do that right now. She needed to be alone. However, halfway back to the Ravenclaw dorms, Katarina changed her mind. She would never be able to be alone in the dorms. She remembered a room Piotr had told her about. He called it the Room of Requirement and said that it was always there when someone needed it. She panicked for a moment, when she blanked out and couldn't remember where the room was. Once she calmed down, she remembered that it was on the seventh floor, so she decided to go up there and walk along until she remembered the exact location.

After walking along the seventh floor corridor for quite some time, she spotted a tapestry that depicted Barnabas the Barmy being clubbed by trolls. She remembered Piotr saying something about walking by the tapestry 3 times before the door would show itself. The only thought running through her head as she walked by the tapestry was _I need to be alone._

"I hope this is right." She mumbled to herself as she walked by for the third time. When she looked back a door had appeared in the wall. She opened it and went inside, closing the door behind her. The small room was sparsely furnished with an armchair, a small bookshelf, and a small table with a large box of tissues on it. She sat down on the armchair with her head in her hands and began to cry. She sobbed like she never had before, hoping that the room was soundproof, but not caring if it wasn't. She let out all the emotions she hadn't been able to since her brother died. She screamed and sobbed and grabbed the books off the bookshelf and hurled them against the wall. By the time she was finished, she was exhausted. She sat down in the chair and sighed. She looked at her pocket watch and saw that it was nearly ten. She quickly cast a spell that eliminated all the evidence of her tears and opened the door slowly, looking into the hall to see if anyone was there. Satisfied that she was alone, Katarina stepped out into the hall and closed the door behind her, watching in amazement as the door faded away and was replaced by the wall once again. She heard a soft rustling sound coming from behind the tapestry and immediately grabbed her wand.

"Show yourself." She demanded, her voice wavering nervously. She pointed her wand at the tapestry and waited. A few seconds later, Sirius stepped out from behind the tapestry. "What, are you following me now?" Katarina asked in an exasperated tone.

"Ivanova, don't be like that."

"Be like what?" Katarina asked throwing her hands up in frustration. "I don't understand you Black. One minute you absolutely have to talk to me and the next you can't even give me one second of your time. So what is it that you want?"

"Nothing, I want nothing from you Ivanova." He turned to go but Katarina grabbed his arm.

"No, you waited there for me for quite a while and I want to know why." She demanded. Sirius sighed heavily and turned to face her. Katarina let go of his arm and crossed her arms across her chest.

"I wanted to talk to you." Sirius explained with a shrug. Katarina's harsh expression softened slightly.

"Yeah, well there are a few things I've been meaning to speak to you about." Katarina replied. "We could talk in there." She said, pointing to the wall.

"Alright." Sirius agreed. Katarina paced along the corridor, thinking hard about needing a private place to talk. After three passes by the tapestry, the door to the Room of Requirement appeared. Katarina walked in and saw that this time there were two large armchairs, a low table, and a steaming pot of tea on a tea service on the sideboard.

"Tea?" She asked politely.

"Sure. A little cream, no sugar please." Sirius replied, sitting down in an armchair. Katarina grabbed the service and set it down on the table. She poured Sirius a cup, added a little milk, and passed it to him before preparing a cup for herself. "Ivanova, about the other day…"

"Don't worry about it." Katarina told him. "We all have our bad days. I know I haven't exactly been particularly kind to you these past few days either. I really miss him, you know?" Katarina said, changing the subject.

"Piotr? I understand. Gryffindor isn't the same without him. Still, he died a hero. I think that's how he would have wanted to go. He never could have lived with himself if he had never tried to save that girl." Sirius said quietly.

"And now she has to live with the guilt of having someone die for her." Katarina added without thinking. Sirius sat up straight in his chair and looked at Katarina questioningly.

"What do you mean?" He asked. Katarina looked away nervously and hesitated before answering.

"I mean someone gave their life for her. I'm sure she some days she feels guilty about that. I'm sure that she sometimes feels that, if not for her, that person would still be alive." Sirius appeared to think about this statement for a moment, before a look of realization passed over his face.

"So you feel guilty then?" Sirius asked her.

"What? Why would I…? What?" Katarina stuttered nervously.

"Not only do you miss your brother, but you feel guilty for blaming this girl for Piotr's death." Katarina mentally heaved a sigh of relief. She pretended to think about his statement for a minute before replying.

"That would probably explain why I've been so upset lately. I miss Piotr so much and am furious at that girl for taking him away from me, but at the same time I feel guilty for being angry with her." Katarina lied. "But mostly I miss him. I have no big brother to scare off my future boyfriends, no one to spend my days with in the summer, no one to relate to when I complain about life back in Russia. He was the first person I'd tell my successes and the last person I wanted to know my failures. I don't know what I'll do with out him." Katarina choked out the last sentence. She tried to keep the tears from falling, but failed. Within moments she was sobbing uncontrollably. Sirius grabbed the box of tissues off the table and passed them to Katarina. She grabbed a tissue and tried to get control of herself. A few minutes later she had finally stopped sobbing. She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue before looking up. She looked at Sirius for a moment before looking back down. She felt embarrassed for losing it in front of him. She hated crying in front of anyone, but especially him. "I must look terrible." She mumbled.

"Well, I wouldn't say you look your best right now." Sirius said tactfully. Katarina looked up and smiled.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've looked better." She quickly performed the spells that eliminated all evidence of her tears before standing up slowly. "It's getting late, we should probably head back." Sirius nodded in agreement.

"We're already out past curfew, so you should probably come with me." He told her. Katarina looked at him quizzically.

"Why would it matter?" She asked.

"It matters because I have this." Sirius said, as he pulled out a large piece of folded up parchment from his pocket. He pointed his wand at the parchment and uttered the incantation, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." At that moment Katarina saw the words 'The Marauders Map' appear on the page. Sirius unfolded it and Katarina saw that it was a complete map of Hogwart's complete with dots that labeled the whereabouts of nearly every person in the building.

"Where on earth did you get that?" Katarina exclaimed.

"James, Remus, Peter, and I started it at the end of last year. We finished it over the summer. It's the reason I was able to find you today."

"Interesting." Katarina replied. "So that will help us get back to the dorms without being caught?"

"Of course. Just follow my lead and everything will be fine." Katarina let out a small laugh.

"Well, since I've got no other choice…" With that Katarina followed Sirius out of the Room of Requirement and into the hall.

True to his word, Sirius returned Katarina to her dorm room without getting them caught. Katarina politely thanked him for all his help and wished him goodnight before heading into her common room. Her common room was thankfully empty and when she went upstairs the only person still awake was Seliina.

"Where did you go?" She asked drowsily.

"I needed to be by myself for a little while. I'm alright now." Katarina assured her friend.

"Okay. G'night Katya."

"'Night, Seliina." Katarina whispered before closing the curtains around her bed. She quickly changed out of her robes into her pajamas before settling under the covers. She closed her eyes and drifted into an uneasy sleep.


	7. Looking Death in the Eye

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that JKR does. Okay then.

The next couple weeks passed quickly for Katarina. She never came close to having a panic attack and her spirits were high. She spent most of her time working on her homework or hanging out with Seliina. She saw Severus once and he was so thoroughly unpleasant to her that she stopped trying to talk to him. She also saw Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus a couple times. She had a good time talking to them, though she was still embarrassed for breaking down in front of Sirius.

The first Hogsmeade weekend was approaching quickly and Katarina was nervous. Seliina was still going with Sirius. Katarina wasn't nearly as upset as she had been, but she was still a little put off by it. She also felt like she was going to have to spend the entire time by herself. This was especially on her mind the day before the trip, during Transfiguration, when Seliina spent most of the class talking to her about it. She didn't want to begrudge Seliina her happiness, but Katarina was really not in the mood to hear about the trip.

"Katya? Are you even listening to me?" Seliina whispered impatiently.

"Hm?" Katarina asked, looking up. Seliina was glaring at her. "Sorry, my mind has been wandering a great deal today. What was it you were saying?" Katarina replied, trying to shake herself out of the daze she seemed to be in.

"Never mind." Seliina answered with a sigh. "It doesn't matter." Katarina shrugged and went back to her work. She tried to clear her mind and focus on vanishing her frog. It worked for the most part, and by the end of class she had managed to vanish her frog. Seliina hadn't been quite so lucky and had managed to vanish everything but the skeleton.

Seliina didn't speak to Katarina once class ended, instead choosing to bolt ahead of her to their next class. Katarina sighed, picked up her books, and headed out the door.

"What did you do?" A voice from behind her asked. Katarina turned around. It was James.

"I stopped paying attention to her. She was going on and on about Hogsmeade and I wasn't really interested."

"I see." James replied slowly.

"So, have you asked Lily yet?" She asked, changing the subject.

"Of course."

"She turned you down, didn't she?"

"How do you know?" James asked indignantly.

"Potter, she thinks you've got an ego the size of Britain. Even if she did fancy you, she'd still turn you down just to deflate it a little." Katarina told him with a grin.

"So she does fancy me?" James asked deviously.

"I never said that. All I said was that it was possible. Anyway, if you're not going with anyone, did you want to go with me?" James looked extremely uncomfortable when she asked him this.

"Oh. Ivanova, I'm sorry, but I just don't really fancy you. Sorry." He looked exceptionally surprised when Katarina grinned at his reply.

"Potter, I don't fancy you either. I don't want to go with you on a date. Seliina has abandoned me to go off with Black so I have no one to talk to. I was more trying to ask if I could maybe spend my time there with you, Pettigrew, and Lupin." Katarina told him with a laugh.

"Well that's different then." James replied slowly. "Sure, though wouldn't you have more fun asking someone you did fancy?"

"No." Katarina replied flatly. "Besides, he's already going with someone else." At that moment, Sirius, Remus, and Peter caught up to Katarina and James.

"Who's already going with someone else?" Peter asked loudly.

"The fellow she fancies." James replied.

"Who might that be?" Sirius asked, with a slight twinkle evident in his eye.

"I haven't found out yet." James answered, before turning to Katarina. "Ivanova, who do you fancy?" She blushed slightly, before answering.

"I'd rather not say." Katarina replied shyly. She quickly glanced at her watch and noticed she was going to be late for her next class. "Anyway, I've got Double Divination now, so I've got to be going. I'll most likely see you all later." She adjusted her shoulder bag before bolting to her next class. She knew she was going to be late. She silently cursed herself for not getting away sooner. She arrived at the north tower just as class was starting. She slid into her seat beside Seliina and tried to catch her breath.

"I asked James to Hogsmeade." Katarina told Seliina breathlessly.

"I didn't know you fancied him." Seliina replied, looking at Katarina quizzically.

"I don't fancy him. I just didn't want to spend the weekend by myself. He doesn't fancy me either, by the way."

"No, he fancies Lily." Seliina said thoughtfully. "Well, it's good you won't be alone." She added.

"So you're no longer upset with me for daydreaming last class instead of listening?"

"I'm still a little annoyed. You haven't seemed happy for me at all."

"I am happy for you!" Katarina whispered angrily. "But I just get tired of hearing about every single detail. It's not like you've this is a new thing. You've gone on dates before. If Black hadn't asked you, you'd be going with someone else." Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of someone loudly clearing their throat. Both girls looked up and saw Professor Calchas standing in front of their table.

"Yes, Professor?" Katarina asked meekly.

"I asked you what you saw in your tea leaves." She said evenly. Katarina picked up Seliina's cup and looked at the leaves. Katarina stared into the cup, trying to find a picture in the leaves.

"I see a tree, a large, leafy tree." She said, a few moments later. She flipped through her book, trying to find the meaning. "It symbolizes life and wisdom." She added. Her professor nodded and moved on to another table. "Here, now read mine." Katarina said, pushing her cup across the table. Seliina picked up the cup and looked at the leaves. A second later she screamed and dropped the cup, smashing it on the floor. "What on earth did you see?" Seliina said nothing. Instead, she opened her book and pointed to an entry in it. Katarina grabbed the book from her and looked at it. "Ah, you saw the Grim. I think it's a little late. I've already seen death, thanks."

"You're not the least bit worried?" Seliina asked, once she'd calmed down.

"If I'm going to die, then I'm going to die. There's no use breaking cups over it. Anyway, how am I supposed to know that's what you really saw? The leaves are over the floor now."

"Ladies! What on earth is going here?" Their professor asked, returning to their table to see what all the commotion was about.

"I'm terribly sorry Professor, but I thought I saw the Grim in Katarina's cup and I suppose I reacted rather strongly to it." Seliina explained quietly.

"You say you saw the Grim? That's quite serious." She replied.

"Professor, I think she was seeing the past, not the future." Katarina interrupted. "You see, my brother passed away this summer. I think that may have been what she saw."

"That would be a very viable explanation, yes. Carry on with your work ladies." Their professor replied slowly before moving on to another table.

The rest of the day passed very slowly for Katarina. She couldn't help but think about what Seliina had seen. Tea leaves showed the future, not the past. It couldn't have been about Piotr. It had to be about her or someone close to her. The more she let her mind wander, the harsher her visions became. She tried to shake them out of her head, but it was to no avail. When the time came for her to finally go to bed, she found herself tossing and turning in her bed. Every time she closed her eyes to sleep she saw a new, terrible vision of death. Sometimes it was her own death, sometimes it was her parents', and sometimes it was one of her closest friends. She eventually fell into an uneasy, yet dreamless sleep.

The next morning Katarina was exhausted. She felt unfocused and could barely concentrate in any of her classes. She was exceptionally glad that it was a Friday and that she could have the weekend to mull over her thoughts. That was until she remembered that the weekend was the Hogsmeade weekend. She was rather shocked by Seliina's response when she told her, at dinner, that she wasn't looking forward to the weekend.

"Well you don't have to go if you don't want to." Seliina replied curtly. She obviously wasn't over Katarina's lack of joy over Seliina's date with Sirius.

"So what are you going to do with him?" Katarina asked snidely. "Go up to the terribly romantic shrieking shack? You could have a good, private snog there. But then, of course, you wouldn't be able to show off your prize. Perhaps a place like the Three Broomsticks would be better, if it's attention you're looking for."

"I knew you were jealous!" Seliina exclaimed. "Well it's not my fault you can't land a date! Maybe if you weren't so moody all the time, boys would actually approach you, instead of running for the hills. You couldn't even get Severus to ask you, and he fancies you." She added cruelly.

"You stupid cow, I have no interest in Severus. He's intelligent enough to realize that. Of course he's never asked me. The boy would rather die than be rejected." Katarina responded in an angry whisper. "Secondly, I could care less if I have a date for Hogsmeade. Just because I don't want to hear you ramble on and on about how wonderful Sirius is, doesn't mean I'm jealous. It means I'm bored. I'd rather be moody and dateless than completely vapid and boring like you." She finished, standing up angrily. She glared at Seliina for a second before stalking out of the great hall. She'd barely eaten, but she wasn't going back. She knew some of the things she'd said had been cruel, but she didn't care. If Seliina was going to talk of nothing else besides Black, then she didn't want to hear it.


	8. A Dubious Experiment

The next day Katarina headed to Gryffindor Tower to met James, Remus, and Peter. She'd spent more time than normal getting ready, and was therefore running a little late. As she bolted down the corridor, she nearly ran into Lily Evans.

"Lily, off to Hogsmeade I assume?" Katarina asked, stopping for a moment, to talk.

"Yes, I'm going with Marcus Prince." Lily replied excitedly.

"That's an excellent choice." Katarina commented.

"Are you going with anyone?" Lily asked.

"James Potter."

"Really?" Lily said, raising an eyebrow.

"He's not as bad as you think." Katarina responded. "Anyway, I'm late. Have a good time with Marcus."

"Thanks, good luck with James. You'll need it." Lily answered with a grimace. Katarina laughed in response, before continuing down the hall towards the Gryffindor Common Room. Peter, James, and Remus were outside waiting for her.

"Sorry I'm late." Katarina apologized. "I ran into Lily. Did you know she's going with Marcus Prince to Hogsmeade?" James said nothing, but scowled and kicked out at the wall.

"Shall we go then?" Remus asked, changing the subject. The other three nodded and headed outside, towards the main gate.

The day was surprisingly pleasant. The weather was unseasonably warm and Katarina thoroughly enjoyed spending her time in Hogsmeade with her three male companions. At the end of the day, the four of them ended up in the Three Broomsticks. Slowly their group began to shrink, as first Peter left to go sit with a pretty Hufflepuff girl he fancied and then Remus headed back out, as he had forgotten to buy parchment. It was at that moment that Sirius and Seliina burst in the door. Seliina's face was flushed and she was giggling. She cast a dirty look at Katarina before she and Sirius sat down at a table in the corner. Katarina scowled and took an angry swig of her butterbeer, putting it back down on the bar with more force than she'd intended. James noticed her sudden change in mood and decided to ask her a question he'd wanted to ask her for quite a while.

"Do you fancy Sirius?" He blurted out. Katarina ignored him and took another sip of her drink. "Don't be like that. I won't tell him." James promised. Katarina sighed.

"Alright, I fancy him. I must say, I wish I didn't, but I do. Obviously, so does Seliina. Who do you think is going to win that one?" Katarina replied sullenly.

"He thinks you're head over heels in love with Remus." James replied. Katarina promptly choked on her butterbeer.

"Where did he get that idea?" She spluttered.

"He was the only one you seemed to not despise."

"But he is the decent one, everyone knows that." Katarina protested. "Just because I knew that, doesn't mean I fancied him." James nodded in reply.

"I told him that."

Just then Katarina noticed that Sirius was watching her and James out of the corner of his eye. She suddenly had an idea. She decided to just go with it. She grabbed James by the shoulders and kissed him. He nearly fell off his stool. "Shh." Katarina told him, before he could say anything. "I have a plan, I promise." James nodded and followed Katarina as she took him by the hand and led him outside.

"What the hell was that?" James shouted, as soon as they were far enough away.

"Potter, it suddenly occurred to me that the only way to get Sirius is to beat him at his own game. He thought I was mad for Remus, so he decided to go out with Seliina because he knew it would drive me up the wall. Now I'm going to show him that it wasn't Remus I was after, it was you. I told you before, I don't fancy you, but I am going to pretend to."

"Thanks, but I'd rather not be used like that." James retorted.

"Do you want Lily?" Katarina asked suddenly.

"What? Of course, what kind of question is that?"

"Lily loathes you. She thinks you're conceited and extremely pig-headed. Now, she's probably right on both counts, but I think she can be persuaded to change her mind. If she sees that you are capable of attracting a sensible girl, she may reconsider her opinion. Secondly, if she fancies you even a little bit, seeing you with someone else will probably make her rather jealous. It's not the most honest way to get a girl, but I think she's a little extreme in her views." James thought about Katarina's proposal. It was a plan worthy of Slytherin, which worried him. At the same time, he was dying to show Evans that she was wrong.

"Alright. We'll try it. But if it's not working, we abandon it." James told her.

"Agreed." Katarina replied. They shook hands, sealing their pact, and headed back to the Three Broomsticks hand in hand. As they entered the bar, Katarina noticed that Seliina and Sirius were still snogging in the corner. Katarina forced herself not to scowl. She sat down at a table with James, still holding his hand.

"Ready?" He asked. Katarina nodded. James leaned across the table and kissed Katarina softly. A moment later Katarina broke the kiss.

"Am I interrupting something?" Remus asked, a perplexed smile on his face. Katarina blushed.

"Not really. Have a seat." James offered.

"Forgive me if I'm being a bit thick, but I'm a little confused." Remus stated, as he sat down. "I thought that you generally disliked the lot of us." Remus asked, gesturing at Katarina. "And I thought that you were completely mad for Lily Evans." He added, looking at James.

"I never really disliked you." Katarina replied. "I was having a bad start to the year, as you know, and I've never liked the way James and Sirius treated Severus. But I don't think you're all bad."

"As for me, I am completely mad for Evans, but she can't stand me, so there's really no point in pursuing her, now is there?" James returned.

"I have a feeling this is going to be a very bizarre year." Remus mused thoughtfully, as he glanced from Katarina and James to Seliina and Sirius.

When they got back to Hogwart's, James walked Katarina to her Common Room.

"Well, it was certainly an interesting day." He told her.

"I'll give it that." She replied with a smile. She kissed him softly on the cheek before heading through the portrait hole into the Ravenclaw Common Room. Seliina was sitting in one of the chairs, with a large grin on her face.

"Why you sly little vixen!" She exclaimed. "Now I see why you were so cranky these past few days!"

"You do?" Katarina asked, confused. This was quite a mood swing for Seliina.

"Yes! You were obviously nervous about how to tell James you fancied him and I can see that me going on about how wonderful Sirius was made it worse. I'm so sorry for saying you send the fellows running, as it's clearly not true!" Seliina said, giving Katarina a hug.

"You're absolutely right." Katarina replied. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean what I said."

"I'm so glad we're not fighting anymore." Seliina said. "It made me miserable."

"Me too." Katarina agreed. "Well, I think I'll go for a walk. I'm feeling a little restless. I'll see you at dinner, then?"

"Okay."

After grabbing her schoolbag from her room, Katarina exited her common room into the corridor. She decided to go for a short walk before heading to the library to finish her schoolwork. It was still early, so there were quite a few students in the corridors. Many of the older students gave Katarina strange looks as she walked by, no doubt they had heard about what had transpired in the Three Broomsticks. Katarina ignored them, but was intrigued by their interest. She knew James's infatuation with Lily was well-known, but she didn't think that news of him snogging someone else would create so much chatter. She decided to cut her walk short and head straight to the library instead. Perhaps if she worked until dinner, she could avoid all the curious stares.


End file.
